HOLD ME FAST

Cody is aware of having been walking backwards for the past few minutes, but he has no idea where he's going exactly. He vaguely remembers leaving the house to go to a party – something to celebrate Adam's first solo show, probably – and he's almost sure that he had fun there. The place was not fancy at all, some guy named Chuck's basement, but the food was great and there was a lot to drink. A lot.

Usually Cody doesn't drink. He wasn't an heavy drinker before William and he certainly isn't now with all the meds he still has to take. But he was having fun and Leo was there, so drinking has seemed pretty safe. Everything always seems pretty safe with Leo. Even drinking something or meeting new people at a party. He has talked to people tonight – this much he remembers very well – really talked, not just mumbling incoherent sentences that nobody really listens to after two seconds. He had real discussions about various things, and even showed once or twice that he actually knows things and he doesn't just spend his time sitting in a corner and randomly drawing things.

He had fun. He haven't had this kind of fun in ages, really. That's probably why he drunk a little – okay, maybe more than a little. Adam, delighted about his rightful accomplishment to the point of craziness, kept coming around with beers, and Cody was so caught in his detailed account of the last Comicon – which he attended for the first time in five years – that he didn't worry about how many times he had already reached out an grabbed one. Later, Leo joined him, and he was already tipsy to the point where he becomes all cuddly and just hugs him like a teddy bear, swinging right and left.

Now, Leo isn't doing anything like that.

His hands are quite strong as he grabs Cody by the hips and presses him against the wall. Cody doesn't want to open his eyes enough to see what color it is and find out whose house they're at. If this is a house at all. It could still be the basement for what he knows. He's been with Leo long enough to know how his drunkenness evolves: with the first couple of beers he just becomes more affectionate, which means he is way more touchy than he usually is. It can be a problem, but not really. Cody has learned how to deal with having Leo all over him the moment he sits on a couch or he makes the mistake to orbit around him. In the beginning he was embarrassed by the way Leo would leave random kisses on his cheeks and neck or slip his hands under his shirt to stroke his hips while casually talking with other people, but then he saw nobody paid attention to that, either because they were as tipsy as Leo was or because they knew him. It usually takes Leo another couple of drinks to really lose focus.

When he's really drunk – not completely wasted but still not lucid enough to behave properly – Leo doesn't become sad or extremely happy, he doesn't chuckle for everything like a lot of people do. He completely disconnects from his surroundings. It's not like he doesn't know where he is or with whom, he just doesn't care. You can talk to him and ask him questions and he answers – mostly nods – but all is attention focuses on the only thing he wants, which usually is the girl or the boy he's been flirting with the whole night; lately that happens to be Cody.

It has already happened a few times, so Cody is used to this. The only difference tonight is that he's a little drunk too, so everything is confusing, extremely more intense and his usual ways of slow Leo down are not working, either because Leo is not listening to him very much or because Cody is not being very convincing, considering that his whole body feels extremely heavy and the idea of lying down on a bed – no matter to do what – seems way more pleasant than anything else.

This thought resonates with something that's been hidden in the back of his mind for some time, now. He knows this kind of feeling, this tendency to choose something that he's not really sure he wants to do over something that is somehow annoying, just because the first option seems less bothering anyway.

Suddenly, the door opens and Cody realizes that Leo has been trying to blindly open it for the past five minutes, not wanting to let go of him or stop kissing him. He is getting restless, Cody has already learned to read the signs. Leo touches him with more urgency, barely holding himself from tearing off his clothes. In fact, that's exactly what happens when they finally pass through the door and they are inside. It's Leo and Adam's house, after all. It's dark, but Cody can make out the shape of the old couch when he opens his eyes.

As soon as the door slams behind them, Leo presses him against the wall again. He feverishly starts to unbutton his pants and swears loudly when they don't want to be pulled down. Leo fumbles with them a few moments, but he gets frustrated with them very soon and lets them go.
“Get them off,” he speaks against Cody's lips just long enough to say the words, and then he buries his face in Cody's neck, kissing and biting at it.

William would tell him the same. He would push him on the bed and tell him to undress while he watched. And he would say that when he knew very well Cody didn't want to have sex just to see if Cody dared to disappoint him. And Cody would not, obviously. He loved him, and he knew that it was better to take off his own clothes and enjoy what little pleasure would come after that than make William mad and force him to strip him down roughly, risking to get hurt like so often happened.

The only reason why Cody doesn't freak out to that order now is that he knows very well that it's not one. Even in the confusion of his drunkenness – where he realizes that Leo has taken them to the bedroom only when he actually lands on the bed – he knows that Leo is just desperate, that he has been holding himself back so much that if he doesn't have sex tonight, he will probably have a break down. He won't get mad at him, but he will be very depressed.

He struggles to get out of his skinny jeans because what Leo wants from him and what he's letting him doing are two different things. He wants him naked, but he doesn't want to stop touching him, so he has pinned him down to the bed and he's now leaving a wet trail of kisses along his jaw and neck, his request forgotten.

Cody feels like he's moving very slowly. Everything is incredibly hard to do, only Leo is fast, and he's everywhere at once. He kisses his mouth, his neck, his tummy while his t-shirt get thrown somewhere in the mess of this room. And he touches him everywhere. He grabs him by his hips, parts his finally naked legs and slid an open hand between his tights, tearing a surprised moan from his throat.

In all this, Cody has no power. He gets moved, turned, touched, and no matter what he thinks he's saying – but he's not, actually. All that comes out of his mouth are moans and whines that send Leo the wrong signals and the right ones at the same time – isn't enough to stop Leo.

The first moment of sheer panic comes when he opens his eyes – he has no idea how much time has passed since the last time – and he finds himself face down between the pillows. He doesn't know if it's the sudden realization, not knowing how he got there, or if it's the weight on his back, but he just stops breathing and then starts breathing too fast, his heart pounding so hard in his chest that it's almost painful.

In this state of drunken confusion, he loses track of his whereabouts – that he has so hardly discovered – but most of all he loses track of time. Suddenly he's back at five years ago, and this is another house, another bed, another pair of hands that gropes his body and gets rid of the last of his clothes, leaving him naked and helpless to whatever will come next.

His brain is desperately trying to make sense of what's happening. Like in dreams, the scene has suddenly changed and now he doesn't recognize anything anymore. Everything is upside-down, too dark and excruciatingly too fast. He feels like crying. Yet, he can't move. Every single muscle in his body tenses, and he's shaking.

William has decided he did something wrong – so he must have done something wrong – and this is a punishment. Cody can't see what's going on and William won't look at him for all the time that it'll take him to finish. He doesn't deserve such kindness – he did nothing to deserve it, he's always such a mess in this kind of things – he just has to lie still and not make a sound. But he can't because he's scared.

He whines. The sound he makes just comes out of his clamped lips on its own accord. He brings a hand to his mouth, but it's too late. The moan has filled the air. It broke the silence and he can't take it back. The weight on his back shifts, this much heavier body than his own slides on his back and he feels hot breath close to his ear. He closes his eyes even tighter, he tenses even more, expecting to be scolded, hit or whatever he will see fit.

But nothing happens.

“Cody, calm down,” a sweet voice says, and it's not at all the mocking snarl that he was expecting to hear. Those words are not even an order but a soothing reassurance. “It's okay. It's me.”

Cody blinks and tries to clear up his head. Slowly, he realizes the other body is not moving anymore, that it doesn't weigh on him but it's just curled around him, protectively, so he doesn't feel the cold air on his skin, just the warmth of someone's skin. “You're safe,” the voice says again. “We went to Adam's party and now we're back. We're in my house. In my messy room. In my bed.”

As it goes on, the voice becomes familiar. Its sweetness pierces through Cody's dizziness and fear and snatches him out of that bad place where he inevitably gets lost every now and then. “Leo,” he whispers.

Cody feels him smile against his neck. “Yes,” Leo confirms, softly. “Come on, look at me.”

Leo moves enough to let him turn, his arms still closed around him, tenderly. Cody takes his time to look at his calm face, his heavy lidded eyes, his whole body relaxed against his own. Leo's still drunk and his fingers are still idly caressing Cody's hips and tummy to satisfy somehow his need to touch him, but he doesn't look mad or annoyed. He still looks needy, but not impatient. Maybe Leo wouldn't really be able to wait forever but at least he looks like he's willing to, and that's what gets Cody. What really helps him come back to the here and now. Leo just fought his need and stopped to wait for him.

“I'm sorry,” Cody says, feeling a little guilty. “I lost it.”

Leo shakes his head. “I should have asked you if I could do that,” he says. He speaks very slowly, struggling to find every single word. Cody is half amazed and half amused at how Leo manages to be completely drunk but still lucid enough to stop when Cody freaks out. His brain runs on two different tracks, and sometimes it's unbelievable.

Leo often forgets to ask. It's easier for him to apologize after and Cody is usually okay with that. So, maybe it wasn't that he didn't know what Leo had in mind that freaked him out. It was just the confusion of it all. It was the mess in his head, actually. “I'm fine,” he says. And it's true. His heart beats normally, now. He can breath again. And he knows that's Leo there.

Leo seems to hesitate, though. He doesn't know what to do and how, but he wants to do it. So Cody just smiles encouragingly as he turns around again but tilts his head to look at him. “I'm fine,” he says again. “I know that is you now. Just speak to me.”

And Leo speaks to him. He says silly things against his ear, kissing him when he doesn't find the right words. He follows Leo's voice as he moves on him again, as he enters him, as he moves inside him with the same sweetness he's talking to him, coaxing him to relax again and trust him. It's a long rigmarole of words that make no sense but work as a beacon for Cody, so he doesn't get lost anymore.

When it's over, Leo is still hugging him and kissing him and speaking so softly that those are not even words anymore, but it doesn't matter. Cody can nest between his arms and fall asleep, sure now that whatever happened tonight will still be the same tomorrow.

That whatever mess they make during the night, Cody will still be fine with it in the light of day.
And only that counts for him, really. Nothing else.